Amelia Gillis, LMHC
Counterfeit (adj.) made in imitation so as to be passed off fraudulently or deceptively as genuine; not genuine; forged; pretended; unreal; deceptive
Initially, the smoothness of your words transcended my heart to another level of bliss I had never experienced. Your words painted a picture that I was sure would one day be developed and carefully printed. It would tell the story of true authentic love. The way you tended to my vulnerability convinced me that you would be the gardener of my heart. Yet, as time went on I noticed that your lack of attentiveness and respect caused me to realize that i wasn't tending the ground well enough, so I thought. You brought to attention that I had weeds in my garden, overlooking the flowers that had sprouted. You help me see that my garden was immersed in the roots namely called insecurity, low esteem, and even guilt.
You expressed that these things would take over and cause problems, although they had not shown their faces as of yet. Each argument was created by you, yet define by my roots. It seemed as though your garden only produced positive things like confidence, achievement, superiority. I couldn't recognize your weeds initially of impatience, insecurity, shame, fear. In your care, my weeds seem to grow faster and constantly require plucking. Oh the pain of being plucked or trimmed. I no longer was a flourishing healthy garden of love, compassion, forgiveness, hope, aspirations. Those flowers were overtaken by your continuous critique of my existence as a garden.
You were strategic in your approach. You convinced me that opening up to you would be safe. Yet, I didn't know my vulnerability would be the ammunition you needed to tear down my garden. You constantly reminded me that "you were not like the others" All of our problems are because you don't trust me and you keep allowing the pain of your past hinder the love I want to give you. This was the words I thought stood true.
You expressed that these things would take over and cause problems, although they had not shown their faces as of yet. Each argument was created by you, yet define by my roots. I was the cause of the arguments. I was the reason he was upset. I was the reason. It seemed as though your garden only produced positive things like confidence, achievement, superiority. I couldn't recognize your weeds initially of impatience, insecurity, shame, fear. In your care, my weeds seem to grow faster and constantly require plucking. Oh the pain of being plucked or trimmed. I no longer was a flourishing healthy garden of love, compassion, forgiveness, hope, aspirations. Those flowers were overtaken by your continuous critique of my existence as a garden.
I thought your behavior was normal until I could no longer plant anything within myself. As I reflected on our experience that was defined as love. I begin to define what I thought love in action looked like versus what I was experiencing. I made a list.
Love defined is:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Your love defined by:
Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance
Having a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration
Expecting to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
Exaggerated achievements and talents
Preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
Believing you were superior and can only associate with equally special people
Monopolizing conversations and belittling or looking down on people you perceived as inferior
Expecting special favors and unquestioning compliance with your expectations
Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious
I realize you were a counterfeit playing as the real thing. I came to understand this was who you were. These traits reflected your personality. A personality that reflected an inflated sense of importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
ACCEPTING THE TRUTH
I realize my garden begin to suffer because you wasn't prepared to nurture your garden and mine. It was hard to leave because you articulated the words I thought I needed to be revived. Yet again, your words were mixed with ingredients that made me doubt my ability to flourish again. This didn't seem like a recipe for a healthy growing process. So I'm leaving and recognizing there are some repairs you have to do to your own garden before it is allowed to grow. Yes, I have a part but until you accept yours then we can never grow together. I thought I knew love but I knew love as defined through the definition you created within yourself that reflected what you thought would keep you on top. I hope our experience together will challenge you to redefine love so you know longer present counterfeit love to anyone else.