Amelia Gillis, LMHC
You are enough!
These are the words that I had to fight to say as I held back the tears. My body seemed to have failed me. It seem to stop functioning the way it was designed to function.
I sat in the doctor's office fighting back the tears as she read the report to me. How would I continue in my role as a woman with this report? How could I be consider suitable for my spouse with this report? I felt as though I was no worthy to carry the word "woman".
Leaving the doctor's office that day, I wanted to be left alone. I couldn't wrap my mind around the news. I couldn't fathom not being able to operate in the capacity that I was created for.
My heart sunk. I no longer felt like I was enough. This didn't seem fair. I felt as though the manufacturer had made me with a defect. I was defective.
As I continued to process the news, I didn't feel any better. There were no words that seem to comfort my heart. I was spiraling out of control. What happens next?
I allowed myself to sit with my pain for a few days. I decided to embrace it. I decided that trying to get up and pretend everything was normal was only doing me a disservice. I couldn't feel so there was no use forcing it. I allowed myself to grieve my disappointed expectations. I wanted my body to operate in its full capacity yet this report dismantle that.
Redefining my experience
I knew getting to a place of "normalcy" would be a process. I didn't want to face it but I knew it was necessary to begin. I actually knew my "normal" wouldn't be as before because of the new thought patterns I would attach to it. I recognize that I had picked up "guilt" and "shame" and it was defining my worthiness. Those were the two hardest traits to leave behind. I knew in order for me to start moving past my pain I had to redefine the experience. I couldn't just hold on to the pain because it wasn't serving me.
As hard as it was, I had to decide how my experience would serve a purpose. Was there someone who I would meet who needed to rely on my strength? Yet before I dived into answering these questions, I needed to focus on picking myself up.
The push to get out of bed was the hardest. I had to remember that my story couldn't end here. It took me a few more weeks to start re-establishing a routine again. I had to remember that in my pain lies a purpose. Each day was a step, sometimes forward and sometimes backward. Yet I applauded each step. I reminded myself to feel each moment because this is what I needed to continue day by day. I had to believe in my worthiness again. That no matter what my body does, I am still capable of carrying the name of "woman". I reminded myself that I am worthy no matter the changes.
A woman who is "still" enough
To the woman who has lost a breast/breasts, reproductive organ, fertility issues, fibroids, endometriosis, miscarried, any other changes your body attempts to define you by... I see you. You are enough!